There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
