No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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