apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Randomize
