I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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