You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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