I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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