Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
