I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize