Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
