Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
