your parents love me but you hate me
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
