Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
