You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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