3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize