I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
