you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
