when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
