I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
