If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
