Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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