Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
