Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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