I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
