Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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