Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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