her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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