he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
