he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
