Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Randomize
