At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
