Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
