Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
false alarm, still single
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