I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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