he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
