She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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