Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
