Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize