just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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