Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
