I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
