How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
