Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think your dad took our porno
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
