If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
