I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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