I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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