The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
