that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
