It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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