There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
