I looked at my own cervix.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
