apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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