All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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