My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
