She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
